Physical Health

Breast Cancer

On the 01 Jan 18 I instinctively knew that I had Breast Cancer. Before Christmas I underwent an ultrasound, mammogram and biopsy on my right breast. Subsequent to that the consultant sat me down and told me that the lump was highly suspicious.

It was confirmed on the 03 Jan 18, but thankfully it is Stage 1, albeit an aggressive, Grade 3.

I was devastated, it just felt my world had been pulled from underneath me, another life event to deal with, but this time, my physical health was on the line.

I quietly cried on the journey home on the date of the tests, but on diagnosis I was absolutely fine. I knew my options, the treatment I was going to face and more importantly, I could get rid of this thing for once and for all, well at least in the hope it wouldn’t return. My cancer had been discovered at its earliest stage so prognosis was 90% recovery.

The NHS and all the staff, surgeon, anaesthetist, nurses etc have been nothing short of amazing. I was scheduled for a lumpectomy surgery in Feb 2018 and a couple of lymph nodes were removed for testing, which were thankfully negative. Today I’m in my second week of recovery. I walked my dog today in the country park, did my grocery shopping and made some dinner, a week ago I was lying on the sofa !!!!

Now I’m one of those people that won’t change her path unless absolutely forced to, well this diagnosis had forced me. On the 3rd of Jan 18 I made a promise to myself, to be kinder to me and jump off the hamster wheel. I felt this overwhelming blessing that I had been given a second chance.

That’s exactly what I plan to do. To consciously decide how I want to spend the next 40 years.  Don’t get me wrong, I have loved what I did in terms of work before the diagnosis, but I was run ragged. On occasions I found it difficult to drag myself out of bed knowing the challenges I would face, coupled with the sheer exhaustion, some days were difficult to get through. It was never ending.

Whether you believe it or not, acting on the belief that we alone have the power to change our lives takes courage, strength & brutal honesty. It’s looking at yourself in the mirror and asking yourself whether your truly satisfied should your time end tomorrow. For me, my whispers were telling me there was so much more I could do, become, achieve. There was so much more I could feel.

Cancer is something I have to learn to live with until treatment is over, to incorporate my treatment into my life without letting it dominate entirely, physical it will but emotionally, I hope I can manage to hold on to who I was prior to diagnosis.

One thing I do know now, nobody’s superhuman, infallible or can escape illness, physical or mental. There will be a time when you can’t always do it all and really you shouldn’t neither.

Flexibility, acknowledgment & grace in allowing the changes to occur are strengths that make a journey easier.

Life is a precious gift, one which we so often take for granted. I know I am now blesses with each new day I  wake, to see, feel & appreciate my world in deep gratitude that I feel in my bones. Now my promise to myself is to enrich my life moving forward, allow myself to not only dream but act on my hopes realising those dreams. 

I thank God it wasn’t too late for me to realise that.

Guidance for Daily Living

New Years Day 2018

I’m not going to lie, 2017 was not the easiest of years, either physically or emotionally but it was a good year, in that 2017 shone a bright torch on my life.

2017 was the year that I threw my hands up in the air and said, give me anything, I will deal with it, not like a withering fearful wreck hiding away but with dignity and grace, in full light, for all to witness.

I learnt to live for the now, in the moment, each day recognising and acknowledging its complete beauty from the sun rising, to the hugs offered by my son to hearing my mums voice every day. The list goes on …

This is the golden but simple advice I offer to all, but failed to live by,  until, of course, pushed, life will & did happen. I held not a fragment of power to halt or change it, it left me with no choice but to accept & allow it to evolve me, that is what I have done this year. The result, rewarding and exciting for my future & the time that has been graced upon me.

Maybe, it’s the experience of being in your forties, it should be the experience of ALL, young & old. Allow your time spent on this planet to be nothing short of rewarding, exhilarating, exciting & inspiring, felt across the range of your experiences throughout your NORMAL days.

I write my blog on the first day of this year with the hope that I will be writing for the rest of the year with readers happy to read what I write. I have no expectations for 2018 and I’m already aware of challenges that I will face & excited to see them through with strength & clarity.

Heres to you all. Happy New Year !!!

The Workings of Our Minds.


When I was younger I wanted to run away from everything, my home, my family, my environment, everything.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I recall that feeling as if it was yesterday and it drives so much fear into my heart, I can’t explain.

I did run, often, too often and on many occasions into circumstances and environments that were not safe for a young girl, but I just needed to breathe, to feel myself for a moment without the pressures of everyone and everything else.

I’m so grateful now that I’m safe and happy to the extent that I don’t feel that desire anymore, but I do recognise it in others, often…. and my heart goes to them.

I know that urge to resolve matters by simply running away from them, you may leave the circumstance but nothing gets resolved, instead it festers so that it leaves a stench that neither you or anyone else feels they can deal with.

I understand, however that sometimes it doesn’t feel like you can tackle certain situations and just have to accept events as they unfold, during these times, cling onto your sanity, your instinct & knowing whats right for you. Find your spirit and keep it central to your mind, allowing it to affect your actions.

Don’t deviate from it or try and alter it, justifying the change to match the situation you find yourself in. Be honest with yourself and swallow the facts.

Progression is slow and sometimes like drawing blood, but it is undeniably there for all, whatever your circumstance, little steps and recognition of those steps will progress your life to a place you never imagined possible.

I am still surprised to this day that I can be categorised as a loving wife and mother and the scars of the past don’t re-surface too often in affecting me & my space.

In these cold winter months I hope your all safe and find some sanity within your space…..and if your not, please find a space where you are safe at least, the rest will come, guaranteed xxx

The Workings of Our Minds.

Self Doubt

This is a difficult one, one which never gets easier or you grow out of.

I’m a little older now and I would say that I have re-invented myself at least twice from a professional career to working in other industries to suit my family life.

However, from the outset I have had to push for my work, just to be successful in the chosen career paths that I have opted for, and I mean fought hard, thats not to say that I haven’t suffered from CONSTANT SELF DOUBTING, its been debilitating and negative in so many ways.

I regularly, consciously argue with myself whenever I have some new idea I’m developing. In time i manage to convince myself that what is stopping me is nothing more than self doubt and possibly fear. There is no logical argument in mentally stating my inabilities when I haven’t even began to put my plans into action.

I wish I was as confident as I am now in my 20’s and I also wish I held more confidence now in my 40’s.

It is ridiculous, what we do to ourselves, and that statement is based on logical sense.

We worry that we will fall flat on our face, people won’t like our ideas or our work or even us as people, its just better to remain the same!!

Like hell it is !! I think its actually worse.

There is nothing worse than being in the same position year in year out, for all the stresses, worries and self questioning, it is worth it, if it means that I am, in some way moving froward with my life.

Honestly, I no longer care what peoples opinions are or whether I’m successful or not, that has been the key for me, forget about the outcome and just do what you love, strive fearlessly for your ambition regardless of whether there lies success or merely a lesson learnt for the next adventure.

It struck me that there will come a time when my son begins to feel exactly the same, that fact is worrying & disheartening. As we begin forming into fully functioning adults, we slowly and gradually lose self belief , year by year until we question our own actions. 

Yet there is no risk attached in giving ourselves a chance, being kind to ourselves & thinking with clarity  is all we require as individuals in order to be happy and secure in our own skin and minds.

CONFIDENCE doesn’t come naturally for all of us but I think its worth fighting for, even if it grows slowly after being tested by our experiences. So even though life may be chequered with difficult, stressful periods, as extraordinary humans we can be faced with anything and have the courage & resolve to recover and regain.

Guidance for Daily Living


My 9 year old is exhausting & inspiring all at the same time.

I am completely in awe of his wit, humour & charm, but knackered at the same time, wondering how long it will be before he can fend for himself.

My mum had four kids, she worked, kept a home and was, of course, a dutiful wife while raising us, each of us were horrible unruly munchkins, expectant of our mothers services. Growing up in a traditional Indian home,  we constantly had family or friends over, so most weekends disappeared with her cooking & feeding everyone who enjoyed her food, which usually meant local family that were just passing !!!

I don’t recall her ever taking time out to do anything for herself, including disappearing for hours just to find some sanity, as I now find myself doing, occasionally !!

Whilst growing up I never gave her the respect she deserved, being a confident, unruly tom boy, I thought I knew it all.

So now, when my one answers me back with the same gusto I did with my mum, I feel a pang of guilt for what I put my mum through.

Thus, I now realise, even though I knew how I felt as a young child, I knew very little about everything else. When she now gently offers me advice, regardless of whether I am seeking it or just there to be told,  I listen carefully !!!!

I don’t dare complain, being a mother to 1, either to her, or to the mothers out there raising their kids. I don’t even pretend to imagine how hard it must be. I run around like a blue ass fly, determined to give him a full life in a happy secure environment that he can relish & grow, exposing him fully to as much of the world on offer whilst keeping him firmly rooted in his learned behaviours, culture & traditions.

I have, on many occasions, asked myself whether its all worth it ??

I realise thats a question which good mothers should not ask themselves, but well, my life has been invested in this little Being so I want to have all the facts at hand so I can reach my own decision.

The answer I always come back to is, YES. Watching him grow I realise, this is HIS childhood, he’s only going to have one and I’ve only got one shot of it.

I think I am saved by the fact that I have had my opportunities. I have lived my life to the full before I had him so I don’t resent sacrificing my time and any youth I may have left.

It would hurt my heart if he didn’t recall his childhood with a smile on his face or if his future wife didn’t feel blessed to be married to him. So I, like millions of you out there, sacrifice my time so that I may focus my energies to supporting his childhood. I know how blessed we are that we can witness him grow and hopefully become a remarkable, young man.

You will note I did not say that I was willing to sacrifice my Being in order to raise my son. My Being is absolutely essential and necessary to remain intact, expand & evolve as it is that which will reflect onto his soul as he grows into the young adult male, ready for become a part of this to world. As a young and free girl I failed to have any appreciation of genetics & the power of what we absorb from our own parents characters & behaviours. Elements of my parents individual true selfs have imprinted & seeped onto each of our characters as their children. It seems unavoidable, generational. The elements that are less attractive to you have to be unlearned over time.

After suffering a late miscarriage, before going on to have our son,  I thought motherhood would define me, I needed to have kid(s), note the plural, in order to feel successful as a woman, normal !!

Funnily enough my husband didn’t feel the same way, when I look back now I recall him as being of the firm believe that we had so much going for our lives & futures, both individually & as a couple. If a child entered that, fantastic, but not having a child when expected would neither make or break us. That decision had been made, we were a couple and that would remain, regardless of what life brought us.

So, on losing our daughter, I felt compelled to make a pact with God, whilst lying on the hospital bed, just given birth, with her in my arms, already passed, feeling every precious second with her, knowing our time with her was running out and they were due to take her away, any minute now.

However painful it was, and believe me, it was, I humbly accepted that I, was not entitled to children just because thats what I envisioned for us, maybe I should not of automatically assumed such gifts.

I decided that if we were lucky enough to have a child I would invest myself and time into him or her, whilst I was needed and the child was ready to live fully in the world. I still live by that rule, we don’t see our son as belonging to us, he belongs to the world, his family, our community, our friends.

God has given us the purest gift of all. So, as you can imagine we don’t take this task lightly, it is the most important and difficult jobs in the world. We have taken our role to task and made certain decisions on how our son would be raised in the hope that both he and us, would eventually benefit in the knowledge that he was not only able to provide and care for himself and anyone else that came into his world but live a full and happy life, taking on the nuances with dignity & grace and clarity of mind & thought. 

I take my hat off to my mum and dad for keeping us safe and raising 4 well adjusted kids. Lets hope were successful with our little man.