I run.
Early mornings.
Out of the door.
Desperate to feel the wind, as it falls on my face.
My breaths of release.
Felt through my frame.
In gratitude.
Of my body.
In slow recovery.
Running.
In affirmation of the strength regained.
Dedicated to my daughter, Amaya who I birthed stillborn just short of 24 weeks.
Loved ones shy away from the trauma,
As I yearn it,
consciously, immersing my entire self into the detail of your dying birth,
In an unashamed attempt, to keep your memory alive.
During my current days.
Each day, a witness to the rising sun,
I crave you, cheated,
Without you, my arms ache.
Its a lonely place.
My mind.
Talk, they say, just for a limited time.
So we can all get on.
Will you listen, hear me, again ?
Or sit exhausted, tired of the same.
Devastated I have to leave you behind, as I live life.
With each laboured step,
and the intensity of a shattered mind & body,
I desperately miss you with each passing day.
I try with tiny movements,
to rebuild,
gain strength so I may really live again.
Yet in truth,
my reality remains,
a tortured soul,
that periodically rises to be pacified again,
surviving with her memories,
tamed restlessness,
which can only be settled by the joining of our souls.
But we need to wait,
So I can live a life worthy to be referred as your mother,
For the sake of your brother,
I will remain,
In the company of my miracle on this earth,
Joining you, only when my time here, is truly done.
HOPE …….. Always there, waiting for you to acknowledge & access it.
Usually it just takes a mental shift to turn an issue upside down, view it from a differing perspective & angle, realising it is possible to process, experience and pass through, whilst remaining relaxed, focused and determined.
I know for some, these are just words. It really depends how you choose to interpret my words & indeed the events in your lives.
The image above is me, being introduced to my chemo chair for my first session. That morning I selected clothes that made me smile, wearing my new bob with confidence, knowing that my hair would only stay with me, now for a short while, once all the drugs kicked in.
Sure, I was nervous as hell, but I had no choice, I had to do this, not once, but repetitively. So I decided to manage it and incorporate it into my existence as if it was a visiting friend who had no real love or loyalty towards me.
As I sat on that chair and waited for the nurses to put a needle in my arm so that they could infuse me with the poison that chemo drugs are, I took 5 mins, just for myself !!!
I transported my mind to a place where I was able to breathe again, to remember who I was, the power, dignity & grace of little me. I purposefully fell into myself and my calm space, fully accepting the circumstances and truly believing that I was fine, I would be fine, I would find my way out of this. Who knew if I would be a better version of myself, as long as I was alive, it was all good.
I believe that during those minutes I decided exactly how I was going to tackle this illness, slowly, one baby step at a time, with knowledge & clarity.
I was lucky to have the support of so many wonderful people including strangers whose kindness and love made me feel so humbled to be in their company, quite literally taking my breath away in gratitude & awe of them.
I still had to endure the chemo and subsequent radiotherapy, as gruelling as it was my survival tactic was to always take myself to my safe space. It has altered the long term mental affect treatment has had upon me to the extent that my endurance level to experience & overcome hardships has heightened. Essentially I’ve developed into someone in control of all that I experience, chosen or not.
MY HOPE —-its there, all the time, sitting in the depths of me waiting to be accessed. It was & will always be my choice whether I choose to incorporate it so it affects all experiences of my life.
I choose HOPE every time, without hesitation. I want to smile each and every day a smile that comes from the depths of my Being whether shits happening to me or not.
SO for all of you that are going through some difficult, traumatic experience, I hope that this message reaches you, so you may be able to breathe and draw some comfort from the knowledge that there is always HOPE in You just waiting, ready to shift your perspective, if you just choose it.
Draw upon it, use it, allow it to later your personal experiences of events, especially those you really have no control over.
2018 was entirely dominated by treatment for my Breast Cancer diagnosis delivered sensitively on the 03 Jan 18. It’s been a ride !!!!
The process, for me, involved a lumpectomy, chemotherapy and finally radiotherapy, so a good chunk of what there was to offer, just to make sure I had the full experience.
Mentally I had no expectations or pre conceived ideas how this would all pan out. My control was limited to my responses & reactions to the entire process. I opted to remain calm and just go with it, the focus being to complete the treatment and just get my life back, whatever that had changed to.
There was no option but to incorporate this diagnosis as the main feature of my life for the best part of a year, hate that fact with a vengeance made no difference to the fact, so i resigned myself to it and just went with it.
Chemotherapy. Now this is a different animal entirely. It not only kills the bad cells but also the good, so your left, effectively with nothing.
I went from an active, busy working mum to one that had to push herself just to complete basic household chores, usually limited to one chore per day, which would wipe me out during chemo.
In my heart of hearts I was clinging onto my old self and knew that I had been reduced to this ghost of a person, physically anyway. That really hurt & still does stick in my gut, but one thing that I retained and would not release, was the power of my mind and my role as a mother. I was determined, absolutely determined to remain myself, that which I always was to my core & mum to my son.
The same wasn’t felt for the wife role but hey ho, something has to give !!
Everyone knows the reputation Chemo has and what it does to a person, its all true!!! It led me to the inevitable by the beginning of the 3rd week of my 1st session my hair started falling out in clumps. It was irritating and painful & I desperately sought some control of the situation so I asked my hairdresser just to shave the whole thing off. Not only was I was fed up of finding hair all over the house, I figured it would of been more distressing to watch it fall out slowly rather than let it go all at once, for me, anyway.
My husbands first sight of my with a shaved head was devastating for him, it acted as confirmation that his wife was really not well, I think before then he lulled himself into a false sense of security that somehow I would feel and be affected too badly by the whole process. On seeing me every day the effects of this illness was staring straight at him, moving its way into our lives and trying for a permanent position.
My son, on the other hand, didn’t even look twice, shrugged his shoulders and said, you have to do what you have to. Proof that kids are far more flexible than us adults.
My cycle of Chemo was every 3 weeks, the first 2 weeks I would feel sick, quite literally, exhausted, I had to pull every ounce of energy just to fulfil my basic needs. The 3rd week I would feel a little human and then it would be time for another session. With each added session the side effects worsened. My oncologist, prescribed me the best medication she could to limit these but she couldn’t eradicate them. I lost about 5Kg in weight over the period, I had to lose weight anyway but this was a little drastic!! I couldn’t eat certain foods, traditional curries were out, anything spicy was a no no so I reverted to plain foods, mainly white bread toast & boiled eggs.
When your in the midst of feeling so damn ill you start thinking your’ll never be better again. During this time I desperately needed my family just to keep me sane. They did exactly that, the necessary. Close friends remained close, watchful and others just helped when it was needed. Ill be honest, I’ve been blown away by peoples kindness, it has been nothing short of extraordinary.
However the response has been varied, people react differently, some can swallow a loved one being sick , others just can’t. And then you have those that re-affirm their selfishness via their complete lack of care, thought regard. Oh yes, I had those in my pot as-well.
The old saying, when you get in deep your realise who your people are, never rang so true.
Radiotherapy was a walk in the park compared to chemo, the most difficult thing was travelling back and forth to hospital for an appointment that would usually last 10 minutes. 08 October 2018 was my last radiotherapy appointment. When I left the hospital I didn’t know whether to smile or cry, instead I just chose to take in the air and sit in my comfort.
The most heartwarming part of the process of radiotherapy particularly was the commitment and love shown by my husband. Ordinarily, he has a life, a busy life, working, colleagues, friends, family. All that stopped for the month I was in treatment, he stayed by my side for each session, driving me an hour there & back every day, then treating me to lunch every day after an appointment & remaining just there irrelevant of the world as it continued. Our lives literally stayed still over that period & it reminded me what a kind, gentle soul he is.
I promised after treatment never to waste a day again, never to waste my love, kindness, thoughts and care on things & people that just don’t make the cut. So I continue to invest in myself, be honest when asked and thankful for all that surrounds me.
Unlike prior to diagnosis each new day brings me possibilities i never dreamed, finally i am living life as opposed to dragging myself through it.
Yes a cancer diagnosis and treatment was a nightmare but one which saved me, made me reassess everything and make some active decisions as to how I wanted to truly live.
No point waiting for things to happen, my advise, grab opportunities with both hands and take complete control of where and with whom you just want to BE.
On the 01 Jan 18 I instinctively knew that I had Breast Cancer. Before Christmas I underwent an ultrasound, mammogram and biopsy on my right breast. Subsequent to that the consultant sat me down and told me that the lump was highly suspicious.
It was confirmed on the 03 Jan 18, but thankfully it is Stage 1, albeit an aggressive, Grade 3.
I was devastated, it just felt my world had been pulled from underneath me, another life event to deal with, but this time, my physical health was on the line.
I quietly cried on the journey home on the date of the tests, but on diagnosis I was absolutely fine. I knew my options, the treatment I was going to face and more importantly, I could get rid of this thing for once and for all, well at least in the hope it wouldn’t return. My cancer had been discovered at its earliest stage so prognosis was 90% recovery.
The NHS and all the staff, surgeon, anaesthetist, nurses etc have been nothing short of amazing. I was scheduled for a lumpectomy surgery in Feb 2018 and a couple of lymph nodes were removed for testing, which were thankfully negative. Today I’m in my second week of recovery. I walked my dog today in the country park, did my grocery shopping and made some dinner, a week ago I was lying on the sofa !!!!
Now I’m one of those people that won’t change her path unless absolutely forced to, well this diagnosis had forced me. On the 3rd of Jan 18 I made a promise to myself, to be kinder to me and jump off the hamster wheel. I felt this overwhelming blessing that I had been given a second chance.
That’s exactly what I plan to do. To consciously decide how I want to spend the next 40 years. Don’t get me wrong, I have loved what I did in terms of work before the diagnosis, but I was run ragged. On occasions I found it difficult to drag myself out of bed knowing the challenges I would face, coupled with the sheer exhaustion, some days were difficult to get through. It was never ending.
Whether you believe it or not, acting on the belief that we alone have the power to change our lives takes courage, strength & brutal honesty. It’s looking at yourself in the mirror and asking yourself whether your truly satisfied should your time end tomorrow. For me, my whispers were telling me there was so much more I could do, become, achieve. There was so much more I could feel.
Cancer is something I have to learn to live with until treatment is over, to incorporate my treatment into my life without letting it dominate entirely, physical it will but emotionally, I hope I can manage to hold on to who I was prior to diagnosis.
One thing I do know now, nobody’s superhuman, infallible or can escape illness, physical or mental. There will be a time when you can’t always do it all and really you shouldn’t neither.
Flexibility, acknowledgment & grace in allowing the changes to occur are strengths that make a journey easier.
Life is a precious gift, one which we so often take for granted. I know I am now blesses with each new day IÂ wake, to see, feel & appreciate my world in deep gratitude that I feel in my bones. Now my promise to myself is to enrich my life moving forward, allow myself to not only dream but act on my hopes realising those dreams.Â
I thank God it wasn’t too late for me to realise that.