OK I’m going to put this out. I am sure after reading this many of you will disagree and regard me as nothing short of a little unhinged.
Just some background information, so you get an idea of where I’m coming from.
I have been married since 2004, living together for 8 years prior marriage. It s a long story of differing cultures, religions and traditional families & parents.
We have experienced huge joy in our marriage but I am not going to lie, the first few years of married life were hellish for us, experiencing the loss of loved ones individually and as a couple which I still don’t think we have recovered from.
Then there was the financial aspect, us two against the world, sound familiar, well that was a feeling we shared year in year out, trying to build businesses, a home and top that off with starting a family.
Needless to say there have been times when I have wanted to kick my husband out, whether I was so angry & frustrated with him & me for still loving him and wanting him in my life, that he would drive me half crazy.
Many years later, being married for the past 10 years plus, I realised it was time to be brutally honest with myself and him, so we could both move forward in a healthy manner.
Why had I, for so many years, been expecting him, an individual, in his own right, to create and sustain my happiness ?
Why did I think that we need to be so closely intertwined?
Was it really a necessity & a justified expectation for his daily habits to include those that fed my emotional well-being, propping me up, or was I not solely responsible for that, as a grown, capable adult. Surely, my life, future was and is all on me.
I chose this relationship, (hence the 8 years living together) the marriage and the continuation of it. I chose it as an individual, because thats what I wanted and still want.
There is no reason on this planet that my spouse, as an individual, should not behave in a manner that benefits him entirely, whether them decisions encompass my happiness is a decision for him alone. Same stands vice versa.
True, as women we argue that we naturally and habitually consider and opt for choices that are required to fulfil the needs of our families, but that need not be at the detriment of ourselves.
It’s a false narrative & belief to think that our individual needs to be sacrificed for the sake of the family, as a whole to benefit.
It’s delusional and just not true that the family suffers if we fully accept our individual characteristics and develop them so that we are the very best of what we can be. Not only will we as individuals feel fulfilled & excited to see through our days, but our children, as witnesses will forge forward knowing they are not reliant on a spouse, partner or anybody else, for their own happiness.
So strip it away, find your core and that of the person you choose to be with and celebrate it. Let them be selfish, let them dream and pursue their life choices rather than tying them down to rigid expectations. Only YOU can optimize your life to a point that your reaching for your dreams, feeling alive in everything you do, experiencing success, joy and basic peace of mind that you alone have achieved what you envisioned for yourself and your life. Why wouldn’t you want that for someone else, especially someone your supposed to love, unconditionally.
The reason for me writing this piece is simple.
There is only one chance at life, this is no test run, this is it !!! Why would anyone be responsible for another individuals unhappiness to the satisfaction of themselves, under the cloak of a certain type of relationship, especially when no one benefits from it.
So, I have been practising exactly the above. Give me some time and I will let you know how it’s turning out.
Oh and if you was wondering, the above I’m extending to my son !! I know that’s going to be an even more difficult process. Move to my Parenthood post !!