Guided by My light.
The light that pushes through the dark crevices of my mind.
Creating a rainbow of colours.
As they travel & dance through my soul.
Leaving it forever stained.
Enriched.
Onto the fibres of my soul,
captivated, I forge forward,
forever hostage to my story,
& the spectrum of emotions felt as I have travelled along my path.
Always in search of my future.
Gloriously alive
I follow the rainbows that lead me to my joy.
The purpose of my life:-
“To love and be loved with a open heart”
“To make the most of all opportunities that life has to offer, including those events that are categorised as bad, difficult and damaging.”
One thing I am sure of, as time passes, we evolve with the lived experiences, bringing us to Our Truth. Only after those feelings have been felt and the knowledge has been learned. We journey through life, collecting little fragments of treasure along the way.”
I will live my daily life in acknowledgement of exactly that & I know for sure, it will save me from the noise and clatter of monotonous day to day living, allowing me to see and feel what is truly, worthy of my time & effort. The hidden beauty, even in the hardship.
It is my personal choice whether I choose to appreciate and savour the truths that I come face to face with, whilst I live out my various roles on this planet. Irrelevant as to whether I refer to them as easy or difficult at the time of experience.
Invariably we, as humans opt for suppression of those feelings, awakenings and whispers, hushing & denying all there is to be learned, through the spectrum of our experiences.
Pay attention, the something better is here, right now. Always staring you in the face. Just hoping that you will appreciate each & every aspect of your lives, from the ability to wake, walk & feel the air in your face, to having loved ones surround you & just being able to see and touch their faces, or the freedom to cook and eat exactly what you desire.
They are all our daily miracles, the tiny miracles that culminate to lives that are being truly lived with open hearts and minds.
Live your Lives is not just a passing phrase, to live your lives is to really experience all those little miracles, to feel them within your soul as pinch moments, knowing there is nothing better than the here and now.
Droplets of water hanging precariously from a tree, just like diamonds. Both waiting to be adorned.
Visualise it, just for 2 minutes, out of your hectic days.
Take your mind to that clear, calm space and imagine just how beautiful the water twinkled clinging on to the branches of a tree.
Hopefully it will bring you back to yourselves just for a moment.
The ability to do that is always there, no matter how busy or pulled you feel to continue in whatever task your absorbed in, just for a matter of minutes, silence your mind and go back to YOU.
It will alleviate stress, fear and daily frustrations, all the while, allowing you to realise that you are much bigger than your tasks or schedules of your day.
HOPE …….. Always there, waiting for you to acknowledge & access it.
Usually it just takes a mental shift to turn an issue upside down, view it from a differing perspective & angle, realising it is possible to process, experience and pass through, whilst remaining relaxed, focused and determined.
I know for some, these are just words. It really depends how you choose to interpret my words & indeed the events in your lives.
The image above is me, being introduced to my chemo chair for my first session. That morning I selected clothes that made me smile, wearing my new bob with confidence, knowing that my hair would only stay with me, now for a short while, once all the drugs kicked in.
Sure, I was nervous as hell, but I had no choice, I had to do this, not once, but repetitively. So I decided to manage it and incorporate it into my existence as if it was a visiting friend who had no real love or loyalty towards me.
As I sat on that chair and waited for the nurses to put a needle in my arm so that they could infuse me with the poison that chemo drugs are, I took 5 mins, just for myself !!!
I transported my mind to a place where I was able to breathe again, to remember who I was, the power, dignity & grace of little me. I purposefully fell into myself and my calm space, fully accepting the circumstances and truly believing that I was fine, I would be fine, I would find my way out of this. Who knew if I would be a better version of myself, as long as I was alive, it was all good.
I believe that during those minutes I decided exactly how I was going to tackle this illness, slowly, one baby step at a time, with knowledge & clarity.
I was lucky to have the support of so many wonderful people including strangers whose kindness and love made me feel so humbled to be in their company, quite literally taking my breath away in gratitude & awe of them.
I still had to endure the chemo and subsequent radiotherapy, as gruelling as it was my survival tactic was to always take myself to my safe space. It has altered the long term mental affect treatment has had upon me to the extent that my endurance level to experience & overcome hardships has heightened. Essentially I’ve developed into someone in control of all that I experience, chosen or not.
MY HOPE —-its there, all the time, sitting in the depths of me waiting to be accessed. It was & will always be my choice whether I choose to incorporate it so it affects all experiences of my life.
I choose HOPE every time, without hesitation. I want to smile each and every day a smile that comes from the depths of my Being whether shits happening to me or not.
SO for all of you that are going through some difficult, traumatic experience, I hope that this message reaches you, so you may be able to breathe and draw some comfort from the knowledge that there is always HOPE in You just waiting, ready to shift your perspective, if you just choose it.
Draw upon it, use it, allow it to later your personal experiences of events, especially those you really have no control over.
If you want to find true greatness, love & beauty.
Find it in the ordinary.
The silent details of each and every day.
As humans we always search and strive for more than we have, whether it be greater wealth, a true love, talented children, a luxurious lifestyle etc. The list is endless.
We routinely and habitually forget, or choose not to acknowledge the blessings already afforded to us.
Our health, the love of our friends and family and the simple ability of being able to live our own lives, through certain choices, is a reason for celebration.
Appreciate the daily blessings each and every day will not only quieten your mind but give you the mental resource to expand your life into areas of complete and utter joy. So please, rather than looking outside, look in, know who you are and what you have, I am absolutely sure, more of that beauty will naturally flow your way.
Its not easy to do, but I do feel it absolute necessary, in the interest of achieving a full, settled and happy life.
My body, my JOURNEY,
My mind, my power,
My soul, my sanctuary,
My spirit, my saviour.
Aimlessly subjecting yourself to what life has to throw at you is NOT LIVING. Conscious living is equal to adopting practices that lead to self awareness, self sufficiency and empowerment.
It entails mentally and physically investing your time and thoughts into activities that allow you to evolve as an individual.
The result, you looking no further for answers or solutions but yourself.
The beauty, is the knowledge that you, you alone have the ability and power to improve & move forward with your intentions, hopes & dreams.
I’m not going to lie, 2017 was not the easiest of years, either physically or emotionally but it was a good year, in that 2017 shone a bright torch on my life.
2017 was the year that I threw my hands up in the air and said, give me anything, I will deal with it, not like a withering fearful wreck hiding away but with dignity and grace, in full light, for all to witness.
I learnt to live for the now, in the moment, each day recognising and acknowledging its complete beauty from the sun rising, to the hugs offered by my son to hearing my mums voice every day. The list goes on …
This is the golden but simple advice I offer to all, but failed to live by, until, of course, pushed, life will & did happen. I held not a fragment of power to halt or change it, it left me with no choice but to accept & allow it to evolve me, that is what I have done this year. The result, rewarding and exciting for my future & the time that has been graced upon me.
Maybe, it’s the experience of being in your forties, it should be the experience of ALL, young & old. Allow your time spent on this planet to be nothing short of rewarding, exhilarating, exciting & inspiring, felt across the range of your experiences throughout your NORMAL days.
I write my blog on the first day of this year with the hope that I will be writing for the rest of the year with readers happy to read what I write. I have no expectations for 2018 and I’m already aware of challenges that I will face & excited to see them through with strength & clarity.
Heres to you all. Happy New Year !!!
My 9 year old is exhausting & inspiring all at the same time.
I am completely in awe of his wit, humour & charm, but knackered at the same time, wondering how long it will be before he can fend for himself.
My mum had four kids, she worked, kept a home and was, of course, a dutiful wife while raising us, each of us were horrible unruly munchkins, expectant of our mothers services. Growing up in a traditional Indian home, Â we constantly had family or friends over, so most weekends disappeared with her cooking & feeding everyone who enjoyed her food, which usually meant local family that were just passing !!!
I don’t recall her ever taking time out to do anything for herself, including disappearing for hours just to find some sanity, as I now find myself doing, occasionally !!
Whilst growing up I never gave her the respect she deserved, being a confident, unruly tom boy, I thought I knew it all.
So now, when my one answers me back with the same gusto I did with my mum, I feel a pang of guilt for what I put my mum through.
Thus, I now realise, even though I knew how I felt as a young child, I knew very little about everything else. When she now gently offers me advice, regardless of whether I am seeking it or just there to be told, I listen carefully !!!!
I don’t dare complain, being a mother to 1, either to her, or to the mothers out there raising their kids. I don’t even pretend to imagine how hard it must be. I run around like a blue ass fly, determined to give him a full life in a happy secure environment that he can relish & grow, exposing him fully to as much of the world on offer whilst keeping him firmly rooted in his learned behaviours, culture & traditions.
I have, on many occasions, asked myself whether its all worth it ??
I realise thats a question which good mothers should not ask themselves, but well, my life has been invested in this little Being so I want to have all the facts at hand so I can reach my own decision.
The answer I always come back to is, YES. Watching him grow I realise, this is HIS childhood, he’s only going to have one and I’ve only got one shot of it.
I think I am saved by the fact that I have had my opportunities. I have lived my life to the full before I had him so I don’t resent sacrificing my time and any youth I may have left.
It would hurt my heart if he didn’t recall his childhood with a smile on his face or if his future wife didn’t feel blessed to be married to him. So I, like millions of you out there, sacrifice my time so that I may focus my energies to supporting his childhood. I know how blessed we are that we can witness him grow and hopefully become a remarkable, young man.
You will note I did not say that I was willing to sacrifice my Being in order to raise my son. My Being is absolutely essential and necessary to remain intact, expand & evolve as it is that which will reflect onto his soul as he grows into the young adult male, ready for become a part of this to world. As a young and free girl I failed to have any appreciation of genetics & the power of what we absorb from our own parents characters & behaviours. Elements of my parents individual true selfs have imprinted & seeped onto each of our characters as their children. It seems unavoidable, generational. The elements that are less attractive to you have to be unlearned over time.
After suffering a late miscarriage, before going on to have our son, I thought motherhood would define me, I needed to have kid(s), note the plural, in order to feel successful as a woman, normal !!
Funnily enough my husband didn’t feel the same way, when I look back now I recall him as being of the firm believe that we had so much going for our lives & futures, both individually & as a couple. If a child entered that, fantastic, but not having a child when expected would neither make or break us. That decision had been made, we were a couple and that would remain, regardless of what life brought us.
So, on losing our daughter, I felt compelled to make a pact with God, whilst lying on the hospital bed, just given birth, with her in my arms, already passed, feeling every precious second with her, knowing our time with her was running out and they were due to take her away, any minute now.
However painful it was, and believe me, it was, I humbly accepted that I, was not entitled to children just because thats what I envisioned for us, maybe I should not of automatically assumed such gifts.
I decided that if we were lucky enough to have a child I would invest myself and time into him or her, whilst I was needed and the child was ready to live fully in the world. I still live by that rule, we don’t see our son as belonging to us, he belongs to the world, his family, our community, our friends.
God has given us the purest gift of all. So, as you can imagine we don’t take this task lightly, it is the most important and difficult jobs in the world. We have taken our role to task and made certain decisions on how our son would be raised in the hope that both he and us, would eventually benefit in the knowledge that he was not only able to provide and care for himself and anyone else that came into his world but live a full and happy life, taking on the nuances with dignity & grace and clarity of mind & thought.Â
I take my hat off to my mum and dad for keeping us safe and raising 4 well adjusted kids. Lets hope were successful with our little man.